Why are we taught to not talk about hard things? We learn that it is bad manners to talk about controversial topics. How many times have we heard don't talk about religion and politics? And often the reason is because when two people who talk about these things disagree, they usually end up in a fight. A fight that can often ruin friends and family relationships. But I see a problem with that. Because that perspective carries over into other parts of life. We don't spend enough time talking about the things that really matter. And talking about those things would make such a difference in all our conflicts. Is religion important? Yes, of course. Are politics important? Well…that could be debated, haha. But seriously, yes they are important. Yet we aren't supposed to talk about them. We're taught as young kids that it's polite to make small talk. It is not polite to talk about things that other people might disagree with you on or things that you might disagree with them on. But what about the stuff that matters? Why are we not allowed to talk about that? And particularly if we do talk about it, we're only allowed to talk about it with people who feel the same way we do. It is a skill to be able to have direct, hard conversations, without getting angry or malicious with someone who doesn’t agree with you. It’s hard to sit there calmly and actually LISTEN to someone who has a different perspective with the intent to learn, rather than already be preparing your speech to prove you are right. Very few, and I mean VERY few people have this skill.
Lacking the ability to have deep conversations carries over into so many parts of our lives. Talk to a married couple who is having a hard time with their relationship. Neither of them will likely want to talk to you together. They want to talk to you separately, because they want to be able to open up about everything that is bothering them without their spouse getting angry and ending up in a fight. I mean, come on, we’ve all been there. You know it’s true. But the problem is, if you sit there and listen to them vent, you quickly realize that all these issues have been piling up over a long period of time, and the solution to all of it would have been to talk to each other about it long ago. But it is SO hard to do that, because we lack the skills to have honest, hard conversations.
It’s hard to talk about what's bothering you. What you're worried about. What you're happy about. The things you are proud of yourself for. Your concerns. It's hard, because it feels vulnerable to talk about these kinds of things. And we are taught very early in life to not let yourself be vulnerable.
Have you ever seen the Disney movie Encanto? I know I know, Disney is itself a controversial topic right now. Good Lord, what isn't a controversial topic these days? But I happen to like this movie. Not because of any underlying themes, simply because it's cute and has fun music. But one of the underlying themes of that movie is the toxicity that can form within a family without anyone admitting it or letting it show to the outside. The family has shunned one brother, Bruno. There is a song called “We Don't Talk About Bruno”. It’s catchy, so my kids sing it ALL THE TIME. Anyways, the grandmother and matriarch of the family, is so protective of their reputation that she has inadvertently created very toxic relationships amongst the majority of the members. In the end, Bruno is accepted back into the family. It's a sweet, touching story, as Disney stories go. But I like the point. How often in our families do we not talk about Bruno? Maybe your family has an actual family member who doesn't get spoke of or who has been shunned. But more often than not, Bruno can be a metaphor for so many things. Mom and Dad's will. How the ranch is going to transition. Who is in charge. What is expected of each person. Why father and son aren't getting along. Why Father and son continue to work together when they have grown to resent each other so much that their relationship is toxic. I could keep listing examples. And it’s all because we don't talk about Bruno. We just pretend like we love each other, because we're family and that's what we're supposed to do. Maybe your family has a mom and/or dad who are determined to have multiple children run the ranch. And maybe, just maybe that sounds really good in theory, but quite possibly isn't actually working out. But we can't tell Mom and Dad that, because we don't talk about Bruno. Maybe, there is a certain member of your family who has an alcohol problem. We all know it, we all talk about it behind their back, but we've never actually talked to them about it, because we don't talk about Bruno. Maybe you are in your 40s or 50s and feeling like you are watching the years you would be in your management prime pass by, because your Mom/Dad/Grandpa/etc. isn’t willing to let go of the control of the ranch. There is so much tension in the relationship at this point and you are very angry, but you haven’t actually sat down and talked to them about it directly, because it is HARD. And we don’t talk about Bruno.
99.9% (you know how I like made up statistics) of conflicts on a ranch could be solved quickly and easily if we had the hard, crucial conversations early. This applies to all relationships, actually. It’s just SO important, and something we rarely do. It’s easier to sweep it under the rug until it all resurfaces. It gets more toxic each time, and it’s all because we don’t have the skillset to communicate in effective ways.
So let’s talk about that. I want to bring up a few points that will help you if you are preparing to have a hard, necessary conversation.
Be gentle, but firm. This might be one of the hardest skills to master. If you come at someone with both guns blazing, you aren’t going to get good results. If you start blaming someone else for all the problems, you aren’t going to get good results. People need to know that you support them, and you’re willing to take responsibility, but you also have boundaries.
Timeliness. Don’t wait to have the conversation. If you’ve already waited until things have built up, don’t wait any longer. These conversations need to be urgent. Make them a priority.
Forgiveness. You have to be willing to forgive things that have happened in the past. This is much easier if the person you are talking to takes responsibility for their mistakes. But that applies to you, too. Be willing to own up to your mistakes. Be willing to let things go. Remember, forgiveness is about your peace of mind, and not about them.
Be willing to be vulnerable. You’re going to have to say the things you think, even if it is hard. It’s especially hard if the family culture has created an environment that does not feel safe to do so. But keep in mind that not being vulnerable and communicating what you really think has far greater consequences than a moment of vulnerability and letting someone know exactly what you think. Also keep in mind that you cannot control their response, but that isn’t your job. They might say horrible, mean, cruel things, but let them. That is a reflection of them, not you. In the end, when the dust has settled, you will be grateful you were honest with them.
Set boundaries. You do not, I repeat, you DO NOT need to allow people to treat you poorly. Actually, it’s your responsibility to set a boundary and not tolerate it. This might mean leaving the ranch. It might mean selling your part of the place. It might mean going to live and work elsewhere. It might be some really hard, difficult decisions, but they will be decisions that will be worth it in the end. Don’t tolerate being treated poorly simply because you do not think there is an alternative option. There is ALWAYS another option, and it will likely make you much happier in the end.
Okay, that’s all for now. Hoofta, that was heavy. I care about you. I believe very strongly that the sustainability of agriculture is very much connected to the relationships we cultivate on our ranches. However, it’s the one piece of the puzzle ranchers often don’t address or value. So it starts with you. You’ve got this.
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